Toys R Us

Everyone else might be sad that that fucking giraffe is no longer with us but I’m jumping for joy. That perverted fuck touched me in my bathing suit area when I was just a wee lad.


People tend to believe that the single mother working multiple jobs in order to feed her three kids is a real hero. Honestly I think we shouldn’t look up to someone who made multiple bad decisions with someone who ultimately decided to ditch her and his kids. No a real hero is the mall cop in front of Grand Central who tried to handle a foreign couple bitching about an asshole New Yorker. He went above and beyond the call of duty even though he knew it would amount to nothing.

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City Living

One thing people from upstate will never understand is the absolute magic you feel when you’re on the same subway as the two fighting bums and the guy rapping about Jesus.

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Black people

You’ll never realize how awkward things in life can be until you have to tell a black person that they need to order black ink for the printer.

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Asians are the only group weird enough to be seen walking around NYC wearing masks. You know they aren’t doing it to protect others because nobody in the city actually cares about another person.

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Getting Older

You know you’re old when you realize that current porn stars are younger than you.

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Art in NYC

It’s fitting that the only place I’ve ever seen dog poo smeared on the sidewalks is near the art galleries in Chelsea. It’s like the hipsters are using poo as their paint and the sidewalks as a canvas.

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