It’s really terrifying waking up from a dream about your girlfriend giving you a blowjob only to realize that you’re single and the dog is looking at you funny.


A few years ago I was in NYC with my blind best friend and his girlfriend when we decided to hit the food court at Grand Central. We’re going by the fish market when, to his girlfriends dismay, he loudly exclaimed that it smelled just like her pussy. He later told me that he ended up sleeping on the couch until she forgave him.


Years ago NYPD drove Crown Vics and rode Harleys. Now all I see are Smart Cars and mopeds. We used to have Bruce Willis but now we’re stuck with Paul Blart. Oh how I lament the emasculation of my city.


Language is always evolving. What used to be a joke is now a micro aggression. Fashion trends are now cultural appropriation. Rednecks are Nazis. Stuff we disagree with is fake news.


That feeling when you meet someone so amazing that you want to wear their skin as a coat. I know you’re reading this and I’d like to apologize for breaking into your house, killing your spouse, and trying to skin you. Please lift the restraining order so we can see each other again.

Subway Thoughts

The only way to redeem New York City’s subway system is to focus more on being a safe space for graffiti. You’ll be able to pay for a pass that will allow you to hop on a bus and tour the various subway stations. You’ll see art from local vandals and their peers from other nations. Since the subways won’t be running, the MTA will be able to perform round the clock repairs and upgrades, bringing the system up to par with subways in third world nations at 10x the cost. The funding will come from the subway tour passes. While this may moderately inconvenience everyone it is still only slightly more inconvenient than the current state of the subway.