When I was a wee lad I had a very inappropriate crush on Miss Honey from Matilda which culminated in her being the source of my first wet dream.
Years ago NYPD drove Crown Vics and rode Harleys. Now all I see are Smart Cars and mopeds. We used to have Bruce Willis but now we’re stuck with Paul Blart. Oh how I lament the emasculation of my city.
Kylie Jenner is self made in the same way that Kim Kardashian is famous for something that isn’t a sextape.
Language is always evolving. What used to be a joke is now a micro aggression. Fashion trends are now cultural appropriation. Rednecks are Nazis. Stuff we disagree with is fake news.
That feeling when you meet someone so amazing that you want to wear their skin as a coat. I know you’re reading this and I’d like to apologize for breaking into your house, killing your spouse, and trying to skin you. Please lift the restraining order so we can see each other again.
The only way to redeem New York City’s subway system is to focus more on being a safe space for graffiti. You’ll be able to pay for a pass that will allow you to hop on a bus and tour the various subway stations. You’ll see art from local vandals and their peers from other nations. Since the subways won’t be running, the MTA will be able to perform round the clock repairs and upgrades, bringing the system up to par with subways in third world nations at 10x the cost. The funding will come from the subway tour passes. While this may moderately inconvenience everyone it is still only slightly more inconvenient than the current state of the subway.
Bill Nye was originally kicked off TV because of his drug problems. The Netflix show was contingent upon him passing weekly and random drug tests throughout filming.
Mormons are basically the Native Muslims of America. The only difference is we have definitive proof that Mormonism was started by a con-man.
A friend once explained the mystery of women to me. They’re basically a life support system for a vagina.
A few months ago I got laid off. After a week of job hunting I decided to ask my neighbor if her pimp had any openings. Now I have my own client list and I’m making good money and even get matching on my 401k. My wife wasn’t too happy when I told her how I paid for our wedding though.