On monarchs

Europeans consider Americans to be backward and stuck in the past while they continue to cling to their monarchs and traditions. They gasped in horror as we elected Donald Trump after they tore their Union apart. We’re awful for wanting a strong border to keep people from Latin America out while they force Greece to hold Syrian refugees.

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On stupidity

As a man who has fallen into many stupid places, the dumbest one has always been love. Love makes men put something other than their best interest first and we shouldn’t live in a world where we aren’t number one.

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On endangered species

Species get endangered through their own stupidity. If they were smart enough to outsmart the people trying to kill them for their dope ass fur or yummy meat they’d be fine. That is the reason why I will never donate to save a tiger or an elephant. That and the fact that those organizations are usually scams.

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On noses

You know you have a big nose when an Orthodox Jew in NYC asks, as you’re walking by, if you’re Jewish.

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On the wall

Can’t we just compromise and go to Home Depot and hire a bunch of illegals to put up a white picket fence along the border?

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On the future

We’re really hoping for a Kanye 2020 win just so we can talk about a former pornstar being First Lady. Sorry Stormy, you almost made it.

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On 2018

I’m going to celebrate the start of the new year by blacking out at midnight then puking on the bathroom floor at 1.

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On braces

The worst part about having braces is fishing out the pubes after eating out.

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On fatherhood

One day you will be checking out a nice piece of ass only to realize that she’s your daughter. Welcome to being a dirty old man.

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On confession

Being Catholic is awesome. We get to be absolved of our sins if we go suck a priest off and then say a few prayers.

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