On Holidays

The only reason I’m looking forward to the office Christmas party is because I can get absolutely obliterated on my employers dime.

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Feelings

It was a nasty feeling. Like the aftermath of being shat on by a discount hooker in the back of my mother’s station wagon.

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On Consent

I never considered what I was doing to be wrong until my coworker pointed out that my dates couldn’t properly consent. That was when I stopped picking women up at the morgue and started going to clubs.

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On Athleticism

A coworker once told me that my high functioning alcoholism meant that I could be considered an athlete. Sadly the IOC called the cops when I showed up blackout to register for the upcoming winter games.

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On French

Basically everything in French is French for pussy.

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On Time Travel

If time travel is ever possible during my lifetime I’m going to go back to the 60s and enjoy a time when women actually listened to men.

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Butch Lesbians

The reason butch lesbians exist is because all women need a man.

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Cotton Picking

I picked a couple pieces of cotton while on vacation and I can’t understand what the big deal is. Slaves had it easy as fuck.

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On flying

I’ve never understood the safety speech on airplanes. If there’s an issue it’s probably going to end quickly with the plane smacking into an object sturdier than itself.

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Get paid to poop with this weird trick!

Employers hate this but are powerless to stop it! Local man claims that he was able to pay cash for his summer home by just pooping while at work! “You’re losing money by pooping at home” he says. Top scientists have looked into his claims and found the he is indeed correct.

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