On running for President

I’m running for President when I turn 35 so I can genocide the human race in a nuclear holocaust.

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On time travel

Time travel will be one of those things where we’ll never know if we’re successful or if we just killed someone.

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On abortions

Telling a woman she can’t have an abortion is like telling me that I have to hold my shit in for 9 months.

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On the master race

White people call themselves the master race when they have dicks the size of fun sized Halloween candy.

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On being dead

If you’re reading this then I’ve probably died. Or forgotten that it’s a scheduled post.

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On baseball

Just because I’ve given up on women doesn’t mean I’ll ever have an interest in anal.

I was never good at pitching or catching, just swinging and missing.

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On ASMR

I’ll never understand why women love this shit, but try to murder you when you replicate it in real life.

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On birth

I’m going to traumatize my family by streaming the birth of my child on Facebook live. Imagine their reaction when they see it start to come out in 4k resolution.

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On Apple Watches

Apple Watches are cool, but I refuse to spend $400 on a device that will tell me how trash my health is.

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On astrology

I might be a virgo, but my personality is cancerous.

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