Women are always pushing me to try yoga and then getting disappointed when I say I’m not interested in inhaling the stench of my balls up close.
On hormones
I wish I could say that it was the growth hormones they put in food that caused me to grow tits.
Unfortunately my doctor told me I was just fat.
On leaving
She left me the same way my father did when he went to get cigarettes.
Except my father came back.
On Dyson
Today I found out Dyson makes most of their money from abortion clinics.
On being in a relationship
The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is having someone constantly telling me I’m not good enough for her.
On Ramadan
If I, a straight man, were to convert to Islam, would I be able to watch gay porn during Ramadan without it being a sin?
On my dog
I regret to inform everyone that I had sex with my dog out of COVID-19 induced loneliness. I am ashamed of my behavior and have purchased a blowup doll like a normal man.
On casinos
I’m just waiting for Donald Trump to blame the failure of his casino on COVID-19.
On Goldeneye
Kin Jong Un looks like a character from the Nintendo 64 Goldeneye.
On vibrators
I have seizures so sometimes I turn into a vibrator.