On yoga

Women are always pushing me to try yoga and then getting disappointed when I say I’m not interested in inhaling the stench of my balls up close.

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On hormones

I wish I could say that it was the growth hormones they put in food that caused me to grow tits.

Unfortunately my doctor told me I was just fat.

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On leaving

She left me the same way my father did when he went to get cigarettes.

Except my father came back.

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On Dyson

Today I found out Dyson makes most of their money from abortion clinics.

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On being in a relationship

The thing I miss most about being in a relationship is having someone constantly telling me I’m not good enough for her.

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On Ramadan

If I, a straight man, were to convert to Islam, would I be able to watch gay porn during Ramadan without it being a sin?

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On my dog

I regret to inform everyone that I had sex with my dog out of COVID-19 induced loneliness. I am ashamed of my behavior and have purchased a blowup doll like a normal man.

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On casinos

I’m just waiting for Donald Trump to blame the failure of his casino on COVID-19.

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On Goldeneye

Kin Jong Un looks like a character from the Nintendo 64 Goldeneye.

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On vibrators

I have seizures so sometimes I turn into a vibrator.

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