On drunk driving

The one good thing about COVID-19 is the reduction in my drunk driving.

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On Nostradamus

Epstein might not have killed himself, but Ghislaine Maxwell certainly did.

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On you

I know you’re wondering if this one is about you.

And now you’re wondering how I know that.

And now you’re wondering how I know what you’re thinking.

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On understanding

I can’t wait to be a father so I can pretend to not understand that online games can’t be paused.

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On signs

My love life is proof that God actually wants some of us to be gay.

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On the Jews

Writing good jokes about Jews without using the same tired lines is incredibly hard. How is it that Hitler nearly wiped them out, yet nobody can cook up a good Jew joke?

It’s obviously because all the comedians are Jews.

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On why I’m single

People are constantly asking why I’m single because I have a great personality. The truth is I’m a short, fat Italian with a small dork who lives in his mother’s basement and women aren’t exactly impressed by that.

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On birthdays

If there’s one good thing that will come out of COVID it’ll be the end of birthday candles. Nothing like eating cake full of spit.

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On education

The education system taught me how to balance a checkbook, write in cursive, and how to put a condom on with my mouth, but not how to handle constant defeat associated with being a millennial.

Guess which one I could really use today.

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On romance

My friends always thought I was a ladies man because I always told them that I was romancing a woman. What they didn’t know was that was my phrase for bong hits.

Them: “Yo Carlos what are you doing tonight?”

Me: “Not much, just some TV and then I’m going to romance a woman.”

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