On Mike Bloomberg

Bloomberg hasn’t paid us to advertise for his campaign, but we’re hoping that our support can help get another old, rich, and out of touch white dude into the White House. Mike Bloomberg 2020! Let’s get frisked.

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On faith

Mostro Degli Spaghetti Volanti is the only one true God.

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On Mr Peanut

Are they putting “Baby Nut” on their labels now? Trying to attract the dollars of the younger generation and pedophiles at the same time?‬

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On asexuality

I’m a firm believer that asexual people just rubbed one out way too often as kids.

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On finishing

The only way I can finish is if she has a shoe on her head.

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On meth

This is to all the people out there saying negative things about meth:

You’ll put honest meth distributors like me out of business with the reckless scare tactics that you’re peddling as facts.

Nobody has ever died from meth. Scientists have found zero potential for addiction or habit forming and over the past 20 years in trial subjects or users.

We also wish our product would stop being cited for why people in Florida do the batshit things that they do. For fucks sake, I use meth and I’ve never had the desire to go to the zoo and throw my shit at the monkeys, but the media likes to paint meth as the boogeyman whenever it happens.

Sincerely,

Carlos “The Wopbot” Danger

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On addictions

I beat my porn addiction by smoking cigarettes. Now whenever I get the urge to open incognito mode I’ll light up a cigarette instead.

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On boredom

You get bored playing with your cell, I get bored playing with myself. We’re not the same person.

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On cord cutting

The best thing about cutting the cord and going streaming only is not having to listen to Billy Fuccillo obnoxiously yell “HUGE” every night.

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On candles

I’m not sure how Gwyneth Paltrow thinks she can make money on a candle that smells like microwaved fish.

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