On being loved

Being loved is all fun and games until you wake up in a bathtub full of ice missing a kidney.

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On PSAs

Carlos Danger here to talk to you about something that millions of Americans just like you are living with right now due to COVID-19!

You’d think we’re about to have a conversation about herpes and you’d be wrong, but if you wait until the end, I can recommend a physician. No, we’re here to talk about anxiety and how to defeat it.

You see, the key to beating anxiety is doing all the activities that your anxiety keeps you from doing. I know you’ll say “But Carlos, that’s impossible!” and you’d be right, but you need to stop digging your hole deeper. Instead, dig a ramp out of your hole by making a ton of small changes.

We also highly recommend checking out Danger Medical for their amazing anti-anxiety medications.

– Carlos “The WopBot” Danger

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On drunk driving

The one good thing about COVID-19 is the reduction in my drunk driving.

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On Nostradamus

Epstein might not have killed himself, but Ghislaine Maxwell certainly did.

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On you

I know you’re wondering if this one is about you.

And now you’re wondering how I know that.

And now you’re wondering how I know what you’re thinking.

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On understanding

I can’t wait to be a father so I can pretend to not understand that online games can’t be paused.

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On signs

My love life is proof that God actually wants some of us to be gay.

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On the Jews

Writing good jokes about Jews without using the same tired lines is incredibly hard. How is it that Hitler nearly wiped them out, yet nobody can cook up a good Jew joke?

It’s obviously because all the comedians are Jews.

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On why I’m single

People are constantly asking why I’m single because I have a great personality. The truth is I’m a short, fat Italian with a small dork who lives in his mother’s basement and women aren’t exactly impressed by that.

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On birthdays

If there’s one good thing that will come out of COVID it’ll be the end of birthday candles. Nothing like eating cake full of spit.

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