The one good thing about COVID-19 is the reduction in my drunk driving.
On Nostradamus
Epstein might not have killed himself, but Ghislaine Maxwell certainly did.
On you
I know you’re wondering if this one is about you.
And now you’re wondering how I know that.
And now you’re wondering how I know what you’re thinking.
On understanding
I can’t wait to be a father so I can pretend to not understand that online games can’t be paused.
On signs
My love life is proof that God actually wants some of us to be gay.
On the Jews
Writing good jokes about Jews without using the same tired lines is incredibly hard. How is it that Hitler nearly wiped them out, yet nobody can cook up a good Jew joke?
It’s obviously because all the comedians are Jews.
On why I’m single
People are constantly asking why I’m single because I have a great personality. The truth is I’m a short, fat Italian with a small dork who lives in his mother’s basement and women aren’t exactly impressed by that.
On birthdays
If there’s one good thing that will come out of COVID it’ll be the end of birthday candles. Nothing like eating cake full of spit.
On education
The education system taught me how to balance a checkbook, write in cursive, and how to put a condom on with my mouth, but not how to handle constant defeat associated with being a millennial.
Guess which one I could really use today.
On romance
My friends always thought I was a ladies man because I always told them that I was romancing a woman. What they didn’t know was that was my phrase for bong hits.
Them: “Yo Carlos what are you doing tonight?”
Me: “Not much, just some TV and then I’m going to romance a woman.”