On windex

I once accidentally wiped my ass with a windex wipe. I wouldn’t recommend trying it, but at least my underwear were streak free.

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On having sex

I told my wife that sex should only be for making babies and never enjoyable. She slept with my brother last night, but told me it was ok because they didn’t use protection or enjoy it.

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On hugs

The only reason why I hug people is so that I can check their oil.

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On love

She told me she loved me like a brother. I told her I was into incest porn.

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On doctors

I’m not a doctor, but that’s never stopped me from playing with my female friends.

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On trauma

I’ve realized that the most traumatic event in my life was being born.

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On nudes

I miss going to the drugstore to get my nudes developed.

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On guns

I think we should go back to dueling in order to solve our problems. That way we’ll have less millennials.

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On online dating

The first thing I ask a woman while online dating is if there is a zipper emoji. I think that they get stuck looking because they never get back to me.

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On voices

The voices in my head are having a conversation with each other.

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